Hour, May 31, 2013
R&B Joke Hour, Jan 11,
Submitted by Karen in Oakland
There hasn't been a new
conspiracy theory for ages,
I think the government is blocking them.
Submitted by Joe in San Leandro
My house was robbed last
night. I'm the only black guy in the whole
town so I have no f'ing idea who's responsible.
Submitted by Ed in Danville
My wife used to punch me
in the face every time she had an orgasm
during sex. Sometimes she would orgasm three or four times. I didn't
mind so much until I found out she was faking them.
Submitted by Lorin in
Just wanted to let you know - today I received my Fiscal Cliff
Survival Pack from the White House.
It contained a parachute, a 'Obama Hope & Change' bumper sticker, a
'Bush's Fault' poster, a 'Blame Boehner' poster, a "Tax the Rich'
poster, an application for unemployment, an application for food
stamps, a prayer rug, a letter of assignation of debt to my
grandchildren and a machine to blow smoke up my ass.
All directions were in Spanish. Keep an eye out. Yours should arrive
Submitted by Ben in Moraga
Several women have asked
for an explanation of Marketing.
Perhaps the following analogies will help clear up the meanings of terms.
You go to a party and you see an attractive female across the room.
You walk up to her and say "Hi, I'm great in bed."
This is an example of direct marketing.
You go to a party and you see an attractive female across the room. You give
your mate 10 quid to approach the attractive female and comment "Hi, my
friend over there (pointing to you) is great in bed."
This is an example of advertising.
You go to a party and you see an attractive female across the room. You give
two of your female friends ten quid each to stand within earshot of her and
talk about how great you are in bed.
This is an example of PR.
You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get
his telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm
fantastic in bed."
You go to a party and you see an attractive female across the room.
She immediately walks over and says, "Hi, I hear you're great in bed."
This is an example of branding.
You go to a party and you see an attractive female across the room. You pay
a complete stranger 500 quid to go and ask her what she likes in bed, then
come back and tell you.
This is an example of qualitative research
You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You get up and straighten your
dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I," and reach
up to straighten his tie brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and
then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Public Relations.
You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You talk him into going home with
That's a Sales Rep.
Your friend can't satisfy him so she calls you.
That's Tech Support.
You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome
men in all these houses you're passing. So you climb onto the roof of one
situated toward the center and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm
fantastic in bed!"
Submitted by Evan in San
An eminent doctor goes
for a meal in a gourmet restaurant. As he is
inspecting the menu, the head waiter appears and tries to be
"You might be interested to know that I have pickled liver, braised
kidneys and stewed tongue."
"Sounds terrible," says the doctor. "Call my surgery and make an
appointment for tomorrow. I'll have the fish."
Submitted by Matt in
The wife bought me a
nose and ear trimmer for Christmas.
Hurt like hell, but they're much smaller now.
Submitted by Andrew in Castro Valley
In a recent online
survey, 90% of men admitted to masturbating regularly.
The other 10% hit the wrong button with their left hand.
Submitted by Jim in Gilroy
at the moment when the dentist was leaning over towards
his patient to start on her teeth, he was startled.
"Excuse me, Miss, those are my balls that you are holding."
"I know," she answered sweetly. "Let us be very careful not to hurt each
Submitted by Gary in Roseville
I can usually tell
within 19 seconds of meeting a woman whether our
sex will be consensual or not.
What's the hardest job
in the world?
Police sketch artist in
Submitted by Stan in Belmont
Is we kin?
Two good ol' boys in a Tennessee trailer park were sitting around
talking one afternoon over a cold beer after getting off of work at
the local Nissan plant.
After a while the first guy says to the second, "If'n I was to sneak
over to your trailer Saturday and make love to your wife while you was
off huntin' and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us
The second guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his
head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question.
Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about kin, but it would make us even!"
Submitted by Steve in
I can usually judge how attractive a
woman is by how many times my
wife calls her a whore.
Submitted by Matt in
To this day, the boy that used to bully
me at school STILL takes my lunch money.
On the plus side, he makes great subway sandwiches.
Submitted by Rachel in Piedmont
Kim Kardashian has reported that she
hasn't experienced any nausea or
That's because the rest of the world is doing it for her.
Submitted by Fred in
I rang the SPCA
yesterday and said, "I have just found my dog lying
down in a puddle of blood in my back garden."
"That's awful." she said. "Is it moving?"
"Quite emotional, yes."
Submitted by Jack in
I've got my hands full
with my new lesbian neighbors.
Binoculars in one, penis in the other.
Submitted by Delores (no city)
little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each
other outside the operating room.
First kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"
Second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little
First kid says...
"You've got nothing to worry about.
I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you
wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze."
Second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"
First kid says, "A circumcision."
"Whoa", the second kid replies. "Good luck buddy. I had that done when I
was born... couldn't walk for a year!!!"
Submitted by Tony in Sunnyvale
A priest and a rabbi
were sitting next to each other on an airplane.
After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still
a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?'
The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our laws."
The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"
To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to
temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."
The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.
A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it
still a requirement of your church that you be celibate?"
The priest replied, "Yes, that is still
very much a part of our faith."
The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the
temptations of the flesh?"
The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my
The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for
about five Minutes.
Finally, the rabbi said, "Beats the hell out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"
Submitted by Grace in Albany
I'll never join one of
those online dating services. I prefer to meet
someone the old fashioned way.
Through alcohol and poor judgment
Submitted by Judy in Lafayette
Fans are gathered at
Lambeau Field for a playoff game. The energy in
the stadium is as high as it's ever been. A man looks around and
notices that every seat in the stadium is filled except for one in a
row near him. He assumes that perhaps someone just went to get a beer
or go to the bathroom. Seeing that quite awhile later, the seat still
hasn't gotten occupied, the fan approached the man next to the empty
seat and asked why no one was in that seat. He smiled, with a little
tear in his eye, and said "oh, that's my wife's seat. We've had these
seats for many years and have gone to every game together but she died
recently". The fan expressed his condolences and asked if there
wasn't someone else who could have accompanied him - a friend, family
member etc. The man says "no, they're all at the funeral".
Submitted by Joelle in Los Gatos
I found my husband
hanging in his bedroom this morning.
There was a note on his bed which read, "I can't take the critism anymore."
I quickly cut him down and managed to revive him.
As he lay in my arms and slowly opened his eyes, I said, "That's not
how you spell criticism."
Submitted by Rose in Belmont
My main hope for 2004 is
to clear up my dementia issues.
Submitted by Chick (no city)
Medical update on
An Associated Press reporter asked Bill Clinton, "How's Hillary's head?"
Bill replied, " She's no Monica."
Submitted by Bill in Morgan Hill
After my girlfriend told
me she was pregnant, I decided to start
thinking about names.
In the end I went for Juan Carlos and hopped on the next flight to Spain.
Submitted by Gene (no city)
A gorgeous woman walks
up to the bar in a local pub, she gestures to
the barman, who comes over immediately.
When he arrives, she seductively beckons him closer. He leans his face
close to hers, and she begins to gently caress his beard and hair.
"Are you the manager?" she asks, while softly stroking his face with
both hands. "No" he replies. "I need to tell him something,"
still stroking his face and hair...."can you get him for me, please."
Clearly aroused he answers "No, is there something I can do for you?"
"Yes there is," she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers
into his mouth and allowing him to suck on them ........." tell him
there's no toilet
paper in the ladies room."
Submitted by Gene (no city)
While 'flying' down the
road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge
Only to find a policeman with a radar gun on the other side lying in
The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic
Patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, 'What's your hurry?'
To which she replied, 'I'm late for work.'
'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?'
'I'm a rectum stretcher,' she responded.
The cop stammered, 'A what?............'
'A rectum stretcher!'
'And just what does a rectum stretcher do?'
'Well,' she said, 'I start by inserting one finger in the rectum, then
Work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my
Whole hand in I work from side to side until I can get both hands in,
And then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet.'
'And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot ass hole?' he asked.
'You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge...'
Submitted by Siggi in Oakland
The phone rings and the
lady of the house answers,
"Mrs. Sanders, please."
"Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at
Saint Agnes Laboratory.
When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a
biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well...
We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband.
Frankly, either way the results are not too good."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.
"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the
other one tested positive for HIV.
We can't tell which is which."
"That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs.Sanders.
"Normally we can, but MEDICARE will only pay for these expensive tests
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The MEDICARE Helpdesk recommend that you drop your husband off
somewhere in the middle of town.
If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him.
Submitted by Joe in Saratoga
It's so hard to find the
right person these days.
All I want is a woman who loves long walks on the beach.
It'll give her something to do while I watch football.
by Josh in San Mateo
I tried to convince my
little girl that it's perfectly normal to
accidentally poop your pants.
But she didn't buy it. She's still making fun of me.
Submitted by Adena (no city)
Skinny little white
Irishman gets into an elevator, looks up and sees
this HUGE black guy standing next to him.
The big guy sees the little Irishman staring at him. He looks down at
the Irishman and says:
"7 ft tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pounds of testicles, Turner Brown"
The little white Irishman faints dead away and falls to the floor.
The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him......The big
guy says, "What's wrong with you?"
In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you just say to me?"
The big dude says, "Well, I saw your curious look and I figured I'd
just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks
me................ I'm 7 ft tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch
penis, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each....and my name is Turner
The little white Irishman says:
"Turner Brown?!....Sweet Jesus.........I thought you said, "Turn around!"
Submitted by Marcus in Gilroy
The police asked me to
identify what they thought was my wife's body.
They pulled the sheet back to show her face. "I can't be certain," I told
The sheet went back a bit further to reveal her breasts. "Sorry, but
I'm still not sure."
They took the sheet completely off and I had a good look. "That's
definitely not her, Officer. My wife's not black."
Submitted by Bart in Alamo
My buddy just asked,
"What's your favorite mythical creature?"
I said, "Those happy women in Tampax ads.
Hour, August 3, 2012
Submitted by Jim in
A man is on a long
international flight, when he realizes that not
only must he use the restroom very soon; he also sees the line to the
men’s room is much too long. In frantic desperation, he asks a
stewardess if he could use the lady’s room, just this one time.
She realizes his plight, and decides it would be OK, but she
first warns him. “There are some buttons on the wall in the lady’s
room, but you must NOT touch them, OK?”
“OK”, he says, squirming in discomfort.
So, he goes in quickly and takes care of business. But his
curiosity gets the best of him, and he must know what the buttons are
for. He looks at them; they are labeled WW, WA, PP, and ATR.
He pushes the WW button and he is treated to a comforting spray
of warm water. WOW, he thinks, this is NICE! So, he tries the next
button, and warm air gently blows him dry.
The ladies really have it great, he thinks, so he pushes the PP
button and a power-puff comes out and pats his tush.
Pleased with his new discovery, he pushes the last button. The
next thing he knows, he wakes up in the hospital in terrible pain.
“What happened?” he asks a nearby nurse.
“You used the lady’s room on the plane, didn’t you?” the nurse answers.
“Well, yes, I had to go real bad”, he said.
“And the stewardess warned you not to push the buttons, didn’t she?”
“Well, yes, but I was curious and just had to try them.”
The nurse then says, “OK, you were warned. That last button was
the Automatic Tampax Remover, and your penis is under your pillow”.
Submitted by Paul in
A little girl was out with her Grandmother when they came across a
couple of dogs mating on the sidewalk.
"What are they doing, Grandma?" asked the little girl.
The grandmother was embarrassed, so she said, "The dog on top has hurt
his paw, and the one underneath is carrying him to the doctor."
"They're just like people, aren't they Grandma?" said the little one.
"How do you mean?" asked the Grandma.
"Offer someone a helping hand," said the little girl, "and they'll
screw you every time."
Submitted by Charles (no
An 8-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with
his toys as she was dusting, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come
you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?"
Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my
bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel
good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my
Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started
adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated,
she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door
and there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, "Hello son, is
your Grandma home?"
The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."
The minister fainted.
Submitted by Candy (no
What did the banana say to the vibrator?
I don’t know why you’re shaking, she’s gonna eat me!!
Submitted by Stan in
Letter to God
Dear Lord, I know that I don't talk to you that much, but this year
you have taken away my favorite visionary Steve Jobs, my favorite
author Ray Bradbury, my favorite childrens' author Maurice Sendak, my
favorite American Bandstand guy Dick Clark, my favorite hairdresser
Vidal Sassoon, my favorite musicians Doc Watson and Earl Scruggs, my
favorite Monkee Davy Jones, my favorite 60 Minutes guy Mike Wallace,
and my favorite singer Whitney Houston. I just wanted to let you know
that my favorite radio announcer is Rush Limbaugh. Amen.
Submitted by Norm (no
Joe says to Paddy: "Close your curtains the next time you're shagging
your wife. The whole street was watching and laughing at you
yesterday." Paddy says: "Well the joke's on them stupid bastards
because I wasn't even home yesterday."
Submitted by Jeff in
The young boy comes downstairs to breakfast. Since they live on a
farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.
"Not yet," said the boy.
His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's
pretty ticked off, so he goes outside to feed the chickens, and he
kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He
goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in
my cereal?" he asks.
"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get
any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any
bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow so for a week you
aren't getting any milk."
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat
halfway across the kitchen.
The boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "You gonna tell
him or should I?"
Submitted by Stan in
There was a bit of confusion at the store this morning. When I was
ready to pay for my groceries, the cute young cashier said,
"Strip down facing me."
Making a mental note to complain to my congressman about
Homeland Security running amok, I did just as she had instructed.
When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found
out that she was referring to my debit card.
Submitted by Patty (no
Two wealthy southern women are seated together at a charity dinner.
The older woman turns to the younger woman next to her, holding her
ring finger out she asks, “Have you ever seen such a big diamond? My
husband gave it to me for our anniversary.”
The younger woman looks at it and says in her deep southern drawl,
The older woman miffed at her lack of interest tries again. “Next
month my husband is taking me to England to meet the Queen…”
To which the younger woman replies “Thaaat’s nice.”
Now really galled by the younger woman’s lack of enthusiasm she
presses on “And for my birthday last month my husband bought me a
Rolls Royce Phantom!”
The younger woman once again responds “Thaaat’s nice.”
“Well!” the older woman says indignantly, “what has your husband done
for you lately?”
“My husband!?, why he sent me to charm school.”
“CHARM SCHOOL!!, What in the world did they teach you in charm school??”
“Well for one, they taught me to say ‘thaaat’s nice’ instead of ‘Eff YOU!”
Submitted by Patrice in
A Republican, a Democrat, a Libertarian, and an Independent walk into a bar.
The bartender says, "Hi Mitt!"
Submitted by Karen in
A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps you when you lie. He
decides to test it out on his son at supper.
"Where were you last night?"
Son says, "I was at the library."
The robot slaps the son.
"OK, I was at a friend's house."
"Doing what?" asked the father. "Watching a movie; Toy Story."
Robot slaps the son. "OK, it was porn!" cried the son.
Father yells, "What? When I was your age I didn't know what porn was."
The robot slaps the father.
The mother laughs and says, "He certainly IS your son."
The robot slaps the mother.
Submitted by Mike in
I met a nice-looking girl in the park the other evening. There was an
instant spark between us.
She did this cute little dance, then immediately dropped to her knees
and lay on the grass at my feet.
As we lay making love, I thought, damn - these Taser guns are really
worth the money!”
Submitted by Susan (no
A man makes an appointment with his doctor.
"Doctor," he says, "There is this huge lump growing out of my forehead.
It's getting bigger and bigger and I can't get rid of it."
"Hmmm....", says the doctor, "Let me see...Yep, it's a very rare
'penis foreheadis' and there is no cure. Within a year, you will have
a large penis
growing out of your forehead."
"Oh no!," said the poor man. "Do you mean that every morning I will wake up
to see a penis growing there?"
"Don`t worry about that," said the doctor. "Your balls will be
covering your eyes."
Submitted by Jim in
A golfer accidentally
overturned his cart.
Elizabeth, a beautiful pro golfer who lived in a villa on the
golf course heard the noise and yelled over to him.
"Hey, are you okay, what's your name?"
"Willis," he replied.
"Willis forget your troubles. Come to my villa,
rest up and I'll help you get the cart up later."
"That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered,
"but I don't think my wife would like it."
"Aw come on," Elizabeth insisted.
She was very pretty and very persuasive.
"Well okay," Willis finally agreed, "but my wife won't like it."
After drinks, driving and putting lessons, and some passionate sex,
Willis thanked his hostess.
"I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is not going to like it."
"Don't be foolish!” Elizabeth said with a smile , she wont know
anything. By the way, where is she?"
"Under the cart!"
Submitted by Marian in
The Pope just finished a tour of the East Coast and was taking a
limousine to the airport. Since he'd never driven a limo, he asked the
chauffeur if he could drive for a while. The reluctant chauffeur
pulled over along the roadside, climbed into the back of the limo, and
the Pope took the wheel. The Pope then merged onto the highway and
accelerated to over 90 mph to see what the limo could do.
Suddenly, the Pope noticed the blue light of the State Patrol in his
side mirror, so he pulled over. The trooper approached the limo,
peered in through the windows, then said, "Just a moment please, I
need to call in."
The trooper called in and explained to the chief that he had a very
important person pulled over for speeding. "How do I handle this,
chief?" asked the trooper. "Is it the Governor?" questioned the chief.
"No! This guy is even more important!"
"Is it the President?" asked the chief.
"No! Even more important!"
"Well, who the heck is it?" screamed the chief.
"I think it's God," replied the trooper, "because he's got the Pope as
Submitted by Rocky in
Tweets from Kim Jong-un (@KimJongNumberUn on Twitter)
- If I were running the Olympics, the podium would be: Gold, Silver,
- North Korea really should have the best pole vaulting team, given
how many of our people try to escape that way.
- Since the West continues to forbid us to televise the Games, it's my
pleasure to announce that N. Korea just won its 93rd gold medal.
- Dad never visited Israel: "Those people scare me. They're angry and
they have nukes"
- During our vows, my bride said, "After what Katie Holmes went
through, it's so great to be marrying someone normal."
- Dad may have been crazy, but he never would have bought stock in Facebook.
- Baby, I feel like a terrorist around you, cuz you make my underpants
- When I proposed to my wife, she was like, "You had me at food."
Submitted by Michael (no
A cowboy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive
woman---He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch
for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?' 'No', he
replies, 'I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just
The intrigued woman says, 'a state-of-the-art watch? 'What's so
special about it?'
The cowboy explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.'
The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?' Well, it says you're not
wearing any panties.'
The woman giggles and replies 'Well it must be broken because I am
The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, 'Damn thing's an hour fast.'
Submitted by Tom in San
An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked
where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and
the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying
The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this
time of night?"
The man replies, "That would be my wife."
Submitted by Michael (no
My wife was screaming at me: "Leave! Get out of this house!" she ordered.
As I was walking out the door she yelled, "I hope you die a slow and
So I turned around and replied, "So now you want me to stay?
Submitted by Evan (no
A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign
in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale '
He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador
retriever sitting there.
'You talk?' he asks.
'Yep,' the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says
'So, what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when
I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the
'In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country,
sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured
a dog would be eavesdropping.
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running...
'But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't
getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job
at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near
suspicious characters and listening in.
I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.
'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the
'Ten dollars,' the guy says.
'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so
'Because he's a BS'er. He's never been out of the yard.'
Hour, April 27, 2012
Submitted by Ashley
An old man is walking
down the street one afternoon when he sees a
woman with perfect
He says to her, "Hey
miss, would you let me BITE your breasts for $100?"
"Are you nuts?!" she
replies, and keeps walking away.
He turns around, runs
around the block and gets to the corner before
she does. "Would you
let me bite your breasts for $1,000?" he asks
"Listen you; I'm not
that kind of woman! Got it?"
So the little old man
runs around the next block and faces her again,
"Would you let me
bite your breasts - just once - for $10,000?!"
She thinks about it
for a while and says, "Hmmmmm, $10,000... Ok, just
once, but not here.
Let's go to that dark alley over there."
So they go into the
alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal
the most perfect
breasts in the world.
As soon as he sees
them, he grabs them and starts caressing them,
fondling them slowly,
kissing them, licking them, burying his face in
them - but not biting
The woman finally
gets annoyed and asks, 'Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?'
"Nah," says the
little old man... "Costs too much!"
Submitted by Jack in
Last night I was
having dinner with Charles Manson, and in the middle
of dinner he turned
to me and said, "Is it hot in here, or am I
Submitted by Ben in
A man and a friend
are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is
about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on
the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf
cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says:
"Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen.
You truly are a kind man."
The man then replies:
"Yeah, well we were married 35 years."
Submitted by Karen
A black guy comes out
of the store carrying a big hunk of cheese..
Two men come running
by and grab the cheese - the guy chases after
them screaming and
They finally get
away, they're sitting under a tree dividing up the
cheese and start to
One guy says "This is
really good cheese - I wonder what kind it is."
The other guy says
"It's nacho cheese."
"Cause when the guy
was chasing us he was yelling, 'THAT'S NOTCH YO
CHEESE ! THAT'S NOTCH
YO CHEESE !'"
Submitted by Judie in
Can you spare just
Ranji is a 9 year old
boy living in Nambibia.
He has only 1 leg, 1
arm and 1 eye.
Each day he has to
ride 7 miles to school along a narrow road on a
rusty bike with bent
wheels, no brakes and only 1 pedal.
If you send us just
we will send you the
video. It's freakin hilarious.
Submitted by Tom in
"I want a raise,"
said the Mexican Maid.
The wife was very
upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.
She asked: "Now
Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"
Maria: "Well Seńora,
there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze."
"The first is that I
iron better than you."
The wife asks: "Who
said you iron better than me?"
Maria: "Jor huzban
... he say so."
Maria: "The second
reason eez that I am a better cook than you."
Wife: "Nonsense, who
said you were a better cook than me?"
The wife becomes
Maria: "The third
reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed."
The wife is really
boiling now and through gritted teeth she snarls,
"And did my husband
say that as well?"
Maria: "No Seńora......The
The wife asks, "So
how much do you want?"
Submitted by Tony in
A new study just came
out. According to the study Mexico is one of the
happiest countries in
the world. Isn't that nice? Yeah, apparently
people from Mexico
are happy because most of them get to live in Los
Submitted by John in
South San Francisco:
A woman got married
and had 13 children. Her husband died. She married
again and had 7 more
children. Again, Her husband died. But, she
remarried and this
time had 5 more children. Alas, she finally died.
Standing before her
coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked
the Lord for this
very loving woman and said, “Lord, they’re finally
One mourner leaned
over and quietly asked her friend, “Do you think he
means her first,
second or third husband?” The friend replied, “I
think he means her
Submitted by Tom in
I got a Valentine's
Day card from my grandmother. How ridiculous is
that? We stopped
having sex years ago.
Submitted by Dave in
An elderly man goes
into his doctors office for an annual physical.
After a while, the
doctor comes out and says, "I'm sorry Bill, but we
have discovered you
have a condition which only allows you another 6
"But Doctor," Bill
replied, "I feel great. I haven't felt better in
years. This just
can't be true. Isn't there anything I can do?"
After a moment the
doctor said, "Well, you might start going down the
street to that new
health spa and take a mud bath every day."
Excitedly Bill asked,
"And that will cure me?"
"No," replied the
doctor, "but it will get you used to the dirt."
Submitted by Dawn in
How are women and
They both moan like
hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.
Submitted by Dusty in
The newlyweds are in
their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let
the bride know where
she stands right from the start of the marriage.
He proceeds to take
off his trousers and throw them at her. He says,
The bride replies, "I
can't wear your trousers."
He replies, "And
don't forget that! I will always wear the pants in the family!"
The bride takes off
her panties and throws them at him with the same
He replies,"I can't
get into your panties!"
"And you never bloody
will if you don't change your attitude."
Submitted by Ben in
Two guys are sitting
on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, “I slept
with your mother!” The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what
the other weasel will do. The first again yells, “I SLEPT WITH YOUR
MOTHER!” The other says, “Go home dad you’re drunk.”
Frank in Redwood City:
Two old buddies are having a few beers and one says, "This recession
is worse than a divorce!"
His buddy says, "How's that?"
The other answers, "Well I've lost half of my money and I've still got
Submitted by Shirley in Aptos:
When her husband passed away, the
wife put the usual death notice in
the newspaper, but added that he had died of gonorrhea. Once the daily
newspapers had been delivered, a good friend of the family phoned and
complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not
gonorrhea." Replied the widow, "Yes, I know that he died of diarrhea,
but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a
great lover rather than the piece of crap that he really was."
Submitted by Roy (no city):
Women now have choices. They can be
married, not married, have a job,
not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men
have the same choice we’ve always had: work, or prison.
Submitted by Bobby (no city):
A man's wife has been in a coma for 5 years. One day, a nurse was
giving a sponge bath when she noticed that her vitals spiked when she
was cleaning her nether regions. The doctors contemplated the
information and decided to call the husband with an unusual idea. They
said, "We noticed that your wife showed a response when her privates
were stimulated and we'd like to try something controversial. We
believe that oral sex might bring her out of this and would like to
know if you'd be ok with giving this a try." The man was unsure, but
ready to try anything. At the hospital the doctors explained that they
would monitor her vital signs from a distance and let him go to work.
After 5 minutes, the woman flatlined. The doctors rushed in and asked,
"What happened?!". The husband replied, "I don't know. I think she
must have choked......"
Submitted by Finn in Piedmont:
A psychiatrist was conducting group therapy with four young mothers
and their small children. "You all have obsessions," the doctor
To the 1st mother, he said, "You are
obsessed with eating. You've even
named your daughter Candy." He looks to the 2nd mother, "Your
obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's
name, Penny." He looks to the 3rd mother. "Your obsession is alcohol.
This manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."
At this point, the 4th mother gets
up, takes her little boy by the
hand and says... "Come on, Dick, we're leaving!"
Submitted by Mike in Woodbridge:
A guy went to a job interview and the interviewer began asking him
questions in this manner:
- "You are on a dark road, and you
see 2 headlights coming your way,
what is it?"
- And the interviewer says, "But
what kind of car? A Chevy, Ford, a BMW?"
- "I can’t tell, its dark!"
- "Hmmm... okay lets move
on...again, you are on the same road, and
you see one headlight coming your way, what is it?"
- "A motorcycle," says the
- "But what kind of motorcycle? A
Suzuki, Honda, a Harley?"
- "I can't make it out Sir..."
- "Okay, last question...again you
are on the same road, you see one
headlight heading your way, but the light is very small and moving at
a slower pace, what is it?"
- "A bicycle," says the applicant.
- "What kind of bike? A Huffy, a
racing bike, mountain bike?"
- "Sir, I can't say for sure - it is
a dark road, no? This is too vague..."
- "Well...I have to inform you, we
cannot offer you the Job, YOU HAVE
FAILED according to our exam standards..."
- "Well...may I ask you a question
in the same line of thought since I am here?"
- "Ok...you're on a dark road, and a
girl comes walking towards you,
wearing a mini skirt, lingerie, and heavy make up, strolling and
swinging her purse...what is it?"
- "A whore, obviously..."
- "Yes but what kind of whore? Your
daughter, sister, your wife or your mother?"
Submitted by Jim in Gilroy:
A man and his wife walked into a
dentist's office. The man said to
the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry I have two buddies
sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about
the anesthetic, I don't have time for the gums to get numb. I just
want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it! We have a 10:00 AM
tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already... I
don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!"
The dentist thought to himself, "My
goodness, this is surely a very
brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to
kill the pain." So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?"
The man turned to his wife and said,
"Open your mouth Honey, and show
him . . . . . "
Hour, Jan. 6, 2012
Submitted by Jon in
A woman complained to
her husband, “All you do is push me around and
talk behind my back."
Her husband replied, “What do you expect? You’re in a wheelchair."
Submitted by Larry (no
Subject: OH SH*T!
My boss phoned me today. He said, "Is everything okay at the office?"
I said, "Yes, it's all under control. It's been a very busy day; I
"Can you do me a favor?" he asked.
I said, "Of course, what is it?"
He said, "Hurry up and take your shot; I'm in the foursome behind you.
Submitted by Meg in
Two hunters are out in
the woods when one of them collapses. He
doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy
takes out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: "My
friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can
help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a
gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"
Submitted by Wayne in
A man and a woman met in
a bar and after a few drinks they went to the
woman's apartment to have sex. As they were getting undressed the man
took of his socks and the woman looked at his feet and said "Whats
wrong with your toes?" The man said "I have tolio". "You mean polio"
she says. "No, Tolio" he replies. Then he takes off his pants and she
asks "What's wrong with your knees?" "I have kneasles" he answers.
"You mean measles" she retorts. "No, kneasles" he insists. Then he
takes off his pants and she says "I see you also have small cox."
Submitted by Bill in
Two hospital interns
were discussing their assistant nurses and one
said, "My nurse is so stupid she gets everything backwards. I tell her
to give one pill every 2 hours and she gives the patient 2 pills every
hour. I tell her to change the bandages every day and she changes them
every other day."
Just then they hear a blood curdling scream and a patient comes
running down the hall, his hospital gown flying behind him with the
nurse following him with a pot of steaming hot water.
"See what I mean?" says the intern "I distinctly told her to prick
that man's boil."
Submitted by Kelly in
A guy joins a monastery
and takes a vow of silence: he's allowed to
say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the
elders bring him in and ask for his two words.
"Cold floors," he says.
They nod and send him away.
Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two
words. He clears his throats and says, "Bad food."
They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in
for his two words. "I quit," he says.
"That's not surprising," the elders say. "You've done nothing but
complain since you got here."
Submitted by Henry in
A group of senior
citizens were sitting around talking about their
"My arms have got so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said
"Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad; I can't even see
"I couldn't even mark an "X" at election time, my hands are so crippled,"
volunteered a third.
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a
fourth, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.
"My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy!" exclaimed another.
"I forget where I am, and where I'm going," said another.
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as
he slowly shook his head.
The others nodded in agreement.
"All the same, we must count our blessings," said a woman cheerfully,
"thank God we can all still drive"
Submitted by Paul (no
As you well know, some
of us have been known to have had brushes
with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over
the years. A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some
friends and had a few too many beers and some rather nice scotch.
Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something
I've never done before - I took a bus home. I arrived back safely and
without incident, which was a real surprise since I had never driven a
bus before and am not sure where I got this one.
Submitted by Heather in
Bob was in trouble. He
forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed. She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a
gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT
BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway,
brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
Submitted by JB (no
The Irish Wedding:
At the Irish wedding reception the D.J. yelled...."Would all married
men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth
The bartender was almost crushed to death.
Submitted by Jim in
A Jewish grandmother is
giving directions to her grown grandson who is
coming to visit with his wife.
"You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301 .
There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow , push button
301. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right.
Get in, and with your elbow , push 3. When you get out, I'm on the
left. With your elbow , hit my doorbell."
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons
with my elbow?.........
"What . . . .. .. You coming empty handed?"
Submitted by Madison (no
A shepherd goes on a
The host asks him, "What was the best day of your life?"
The shepherd answers, "Well...the best day of my life was when I lost
my donkey in Cuccadu's mountain. When I found it, I learned that
everyone in the village screwed it."
The host then asks him, "And the second best day of your life?"
And the shepherd said, "Well...the second one was when in lost a sheep
in Cuccaddu's mountain. When I found it, I learned that everyone in
the village screwed it."
So after that, the host then asks, "And the worse day of your life?."
"The worse day of my life was when I got lost in Cuccadu's mountain..."
Submitted by Vicki and
Don in Ahwanee:
85 year old man goes in
for a physical check-up. Doctor tells him
he's in great shape!
"You have the heart and lungs of a 60 yr. old. All your tests came
back with positive results. But
I'm just curious, do you and your wife still have sex? Do you have
any problems with that?"
"Well, sometimes I get real hot and sweaty after the second time!"
answers the man.
The doctor is amazed, " Are you telling me you have sex twice?"
"That's right doc, January and July!"
Submitted by Tom (no
A man was walking down
the street when he was accosted by a particularly
dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of
dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give
you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.
"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to
spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?"
the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20
"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead
of food?" the man asked.
"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless
"Well," said the man, I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm
going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for
doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man
looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex."
Submitted by Butch in
I just got off the phone
with a friend back east. He said that since
early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and is still
falling. The temperature is dropping below zero and the north wind is
increasing. His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen
window. He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.
Submitted by Wendell (no
Coffee & Testicles
A guy goes to the U.S. Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer
asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."
"Ok, have you ever been in the military service?"
"Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for one tour."
The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment."
Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."
The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough
points for me to hire you right now.
Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm. You can start tomorrow
at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day."
The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 AM to
4:00 PM,why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?"
"This is a government job", the interviewer says.
"For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and
scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."
Submitted by Lorraine
A driver was
stuck in a traffic jam on a highway outside Washington
DC . Nothing was moving.
Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. The driver rolled down his
window and asks, "What's going on?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped both houses of Congress, and they're
asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to
douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car
to car, collecting donations."
"How much is everyone giving, on average?" the driver asks.
The man replies, "Roughly a gallon."
And finally ...
Hour, May 27, 2011
A successful rancher died and left
everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch,
but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in
the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she
decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him
around the house than the drunk.
The gay guy proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day
and knew a lot about ranching.
For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have
done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into
town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went
into town one Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.
Two o'clock and no hired hand.
Finally the ranch hand returned around two-thirty, and upon entering
the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with
a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it
off," she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."
He did as she asked, ever so slowly.. "Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt."
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
"Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he
was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into
town again, you're fired."
Recently when I went into a large
warehouse store, I noticed a blind
man come in with his seeing eye dog.
The blind man walked to the center of the store, put down his cane,
picked up the dog by the tail and started whirling him around in a
Socked, I immediately went up to the man and asked, "Can I help you."
The blind man said, "No!.... I was just looking around."
The wife and I were sitting around the
breakfast table one lazy Sunday morning.
She said to me, “If I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately
sell all my stuff.”
“Now why would you want me to do something like that?” I asked.
“I figure that you would eventually remarry and I don’t want some
other bitch using my stuff.”
I looked at her and said: “What makes you think I’d marry another bitch?”
Three blondes were all applying for the
last available position on the
Texas Highway Patrol.
The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and
said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh?"
The blondes all nodded.
The detective got up, opened a file drawer, and pulled out a folder.
Sitting back down, he opened it, pulled out a picture, and said,
"To be a detective, you have to be able to detect.
You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and
oddities like scars and so forth."
So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and
withdrew it after about two seconds.
"Now," He said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?"
The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"
The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye
in this picture!
It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!"
The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.
The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her
face for two seconds, pulled it back, and said,
"What about you? Notice anything unusual or Outstanding about this man?"
"Yes! He only has one ear!"
The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed,
"Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady?
This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear!
You're excused too!"
The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.
The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said,
"This is probably a waste of time, but...."
He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew
"All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or Unusual about
The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses."
" The detective frowned, took another look at the picture, and began
looking at some of the papers in the folder.
He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said,
"You're absolutely right!
His bio says he wears contacts!
How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"
The blonde rolled her eyes and said,
"Well, DUH! With only
One eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses."
A widowed Jewish lady was sunbathing on
a beach at Ft. Myers Florida.
She looked up and noticed that a handsome man her age had walked up,
placed his blanket on the sand next to hers and began reading a book.
Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "Hello,
sir, how are you today?"
"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.
"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.
"First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and
turned back to his book.
"I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away 3 years ago and it is
very lonely,"' she countered. "Do you live around here?'" she asked.
"Yes, I live over in Cape Coral," he answered and again resumed reading.
Trying to find a topic of common interest, She persisted. "Do you like
With that, the man dropped his book, jumped off his blanket and on to
her, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate ride of her
When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man,
"How did you know that was what I wanted?"
The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"
A guy is sitting on his porch enjoying
the sunset and a cold beer. His
wife joins him and after she sits down he says" I love you". She says
that's nice but is it him or the beer talking. He says," it's me and I
was talking to the beer".
Tex Cohen lived in - you guessed it, Texas. One day, he bought a round
of drinks for everyone in the pub because his wife Honeysuckle had
just given birth to "a typical Texas baby boy weighing 20 pounds."
Everyone in the pub congratulated him and many told him that they
found it hard to believe that his baby weighed in so heavy.
But Tex assured them, "It’s true, it’s really true."
When Tex came back to the same pub three weeks later, the barman said
to him, "Say, you're the father of the typical Texas baby that
weighed20 pounds at birth aren’t you? So tell us, how much does your
baby weigh now?"
Tex proudly replied, "Twelve pounds."
The barman could not understand this, so he asked Tex, "Why? Is he
ill? What happened? He weighed 20 pounds at birth, why has he lost so
Tex took a big swig from his beer, wiped his lips with the back of his
hand, leaned into the barman and proudly replied, "Had him
A man walks into a psychiatrist's
office wearing only underwear made
of Saran Wrap.
The psychiatrist says, “Well...I can clearly see your nuts.”
What happens when you ask for help with
an erection lasting more than 4 hours...
A handsome Cowboy walked into a drug store in Wyoming and asked to
talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she
was the only pharmacist and as she and her sister owned the store,
there were no males employed there. She then asked if she could help
him. The cowpoke said that it was something that he would be much more
comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist. The female pharmacist
assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was
that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat
him with the highest level of professionalism.
The cowboy then agreed and began by saying, 'This is tough for me to
discuss, but I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of
problems and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could
give me for it.'
The pharmacist said, 'Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister.'
When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and the
absolute best we can do is as follows: 1/3 ownership in the store, a
company pickup truck, and $3,000 a month in living expenses."
A sign in the window of a bar
advertised for a Piano Player and one
day a scroungy looking old guy entered the bar asking about the job.
The bartender was put off by the man's looks, but pointed him to the
piano in the corner.
As the old man began to play, the room was filled with the most
beautiful, melodious music anyone in the bar had ever heard. During
the song, all talk stopped and when the music ended, the patrons
leaped to their feet; yelling and applauding wildly.
"Hey, Old Timer," said the barkeep. "You're really good. What was that
"I call it 'Drop them panties Momma, I'm gonna do ya all night long'."
Momentarily stunned, the bartender held his temper and said,
"Interesting title. Do you have another?" The old man nodded and broke
into a foot stomping honky-tonk piece that brought the bar patrons to
their feet. The crowd clapped along until it was finished, then broke
into a thunderous round of applause and filled his tip mug to
"You are amazing," exclaimed the barkeep. "Just amazing! What do you
call that one?"
"Oh, that's a little ditty I call 'I wanna spank yer bare butt, baby,
till you scream and holler'." The bartender held his tongue -- the guy
was certainly good, despite the outrageous song titles.
Then, the piano man rose, excused himself, and shuffled off to use the
While he was gone, the patrons begged the bartender to give the
eccentric old musician the job. So, when the old man returned, the
barkeep said, "Mister, you are the greatest piano player I've ever
heard. If you want the job, it's yours."
Suddenly, the barkeep noticed that the man had not finished his trip
to the restroom. Not wanting to embarrass the old fellow, he leaned
toward him and whispered, "Sir, do you know your pecker's hanging out
for all the world to see?"
"Know it?" the geezer grinned. "Hell, I wrote it!"
Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called
911. The 911 operator told
Bubba that she would send someone out right away.
"Where do you live?" asked the operator.
Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."
The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?
"There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, "How 'bout if I drag
her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"
I'm a longtime listener and fan, and a fan of Brian's too.
A Facebook friend of mine in Minneapolis posted this two-word joke
awhile back, and it's become my favorite:
A couple is lying in bed. The man says,
"I am going to make you the
happiest woman in the world" The woman says, "I'll miss you."
Getting married in heaven
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a
fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the
Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While
they began to wonder; could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in
Heaven. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has
Let me go find out and he left.
The couple sat and waited for an answer.... for a couple of months.
While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed
to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the
eternal aspect of it all? "What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in
Heaven together forever?"
Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat
"Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."
"Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering; what if things
don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.
"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.
"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me 3 months to find a priest
up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?"
Q: Why do black men always have red
eyes after sex?
A man goes into a Barnes and Noble and
asks the young female clerk,
"Do you have the new book out for men with short penises? I can't
remember the title."
She nods and says, "I'm not sure if it's in yet."
The man said, "That's the one. I'll take a copy."
Bin Laden At The Pearly Gates
After Osama Bin Laden died, he was met at the pearly gates by George
Washington, who slapped him across the face and yelled:
"How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive!"
Patrick Henry approached, punched him in the nose and shouted:
"You wanted to end our liberties but you failed!"
James Madison followed, kicked him in the groin and said:
"This is why I allowed our government to provide for the common defense!"
Thomas Jefferson was next, beat Osama with a long cane and snarled:
"It was evil men like you who inspired me to write the Declaration of
The beatings and thrashing continued as George Mason, James Monroe and
66 other early Americans unleashed their anger on the terrorist leader.
As Osama lay bleeding and in pain, an angel appeared.
Bin Laden wept and said: "This is not what you promised me."
The angel replied:
"I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in Heaven.
What did you think I said?"
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball
headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men.
He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground
and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately went to apologize.
'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could
relieve your pain if you'd allow me', she told him.
'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied.
He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his
hands at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants
and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for
several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?
He replied: 'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken.'
Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was
closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the
younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in
peace. Take us to your leader."
The gas pump, of course, didn't respond. The younger alien became
angry at the lack of response. The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if
I were you.'
The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting.
Again, there was no response.
Pissed at the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said
gruffly, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your
leader or I will fire!"
The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't
want to do that! I really think that will make him mad.'
'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon and
opened fire. There was a huge explosion.
A massive fireball roared towards him and blew the younger alien off
his feet and threw him in a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away
in a cactus patch.
Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he
refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked
dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking
his big, green head.
'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien.
'He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'
The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy
friend and replied, 'There is one thing I've learned during my
intergalactic travels: you never mess with a guy who can loop his
penis over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.'
The OUTDOORSMAN was telling his
neighbor "I have waded across a raging
river, escaped from a bear in the woods, marched up and down hills,
stood in patches of poison oak, crawled out of quicksand, and climbed
The neighbor being impressed said, "Wow, you must be quite an adventurer".
"No," replied the outdoorsman, "I'm just a lousy golfer".
R&B Joke Hour, Feb. 11,
R&B Joke Hour, July 30,
(starts at about 7:10
R&B Joke Hour, Jan 15,
R&B Joke Hour, August 28,
Ron in San Francisco's joke
A woman walks into the downtown welfare
Trailed by 15 kids. 'WOW,' the social worker
Exclaims, 'are they all yours?'' Yep they are all Mine,' the flustered
momma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before.
She says, 'Sit down Leroy.' All the children rush to Find seats.
Well,' says the social worker, 'then you must be here to sign up. I'll
need all your children's' names.' 'Well, to keep it simple, the boys
are all named Leroy and the girls are all named Leighroy.
In disbelief, the case worker. 'Are you serious?
They're ALL named Leroy?'
Their momma replied, 'Well, yes-it makes it easier.
When it's time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell,
'Leroy!' An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' an they
all comes a runnin. An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into
the street, I just yell Leroy' and all of them stop. It's the smartest
idea I ever had, namin' them all Leroy.'
The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her
forehead and says tentatively, 'But what if you just want ONE kid to
come, and not the whole bunch?'
'Then I call them by their last names.'
Paige in San Francisco's joke
A woman brought a very limp duck in to a
veterinary surgeon's office.
As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope
and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two he shook his
head sadly and said, "I'm sorry. Your duck Cuddles has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," replied the vet.
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any
testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room.
He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador retriever. As
the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on its hind
legs, put=2 0its front paws on the examination table and sniffed the
duck from top to bottom. Then it looked up at the vet with sad eyes
and shook its head. The vet patted the dog on the head and led it out
of the room.
A few minutes later the vet returned with a cat. The cat jumped onto
the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. It
sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and left the
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this
is most definitely, 100% certifiably a dead duck."
Turning to his computer terminal, the doctor hit a few keys and
produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still
in shock, took it from him. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me
that my duck is dead?"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it,
the bill would have been $20. But now with the lab report and the cat
scan, it comes to $150."
A couple had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says,
'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast
'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a
jaybird fifty years ago..'
'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.'
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples
are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'
'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee and the
other is in your oatmeal.'
Dan in San Carlos' jokes
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting
on a bench talking, and
one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away...
Florida or the moon?" The other blonde turns and says
"Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida?????"
A police officer stops a blonde for
speeding and asks her very nicely
if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together.
Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me
to show it to you!"
THE NEW HEALTH COVERAGE IN A NUTSHELL:
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers.
"Mrs Sanders, please."
"Mrs. Sanders, this is Dr Jones at St. Agnes Laboratory. When your
husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from
another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one
belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.
"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the
other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which."
"That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Sanders.
"Normally we can, but the new health care system will only pay for these
expensive tests just one time."
''Well, what am I supposed to do now? "
"The folks at Obama health care recommend that you drop your husband off
somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep
Matt in Scotts Valley's joke
A married man left work early one Friday,
but instead of going home, he
spent the weekend partying with the boys. When he finally returned home
on Sunday night, his wife really got on his case and stayed on it.
After a few of hours of swearing and screaming, his wife paused and
pointed at him and made him an offer. 'How would you like it if you
didn't see me for a couple of days?'.....
The husband couldn't believe his luck, so he looked up, smiled and said,
'That would suit me just fine!!'
Monday went by, and the man didn't see his wife.
Tuesday and Wednesday went by and he still didn't see her.
Come Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a
little out of the corner of his left eye.
Celeste in Pinole's joke
An Alabama preacher said to his
congregation, 'Someone in this
congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan..
This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate.
I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the
party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this
No one moved. The preacher continued, 'Do you have the nerve to face
me And admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and
in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your
transgression.' Again all was quiet.
Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop
traffic rose from the third pew.
Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke:
'Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you
were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my
friends that you were a wizard under the sheets.'
Two Minnesota hunters got a pilot to fly
them to Canada to hunt moose.
They managed to bag 6.
As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane
could take only 4 moose.
The two lads objected strongly.
'Last year we got six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the
same plane as yours.'
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded.
However, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the
load and went down.
Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, Ole and Sven survived the crash.
After climbing out of the wreckage, Ole asked Sven,
'Any idea where we are?'
Sven replied, 'I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year.
Catherine in El Granada's joke
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says,
'Please come over here and help
me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get
Her boyfriend asks, 'What is it supposed to be when it's finished?'
The blonde says, 'According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster.'
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to
her and says,
'First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to
assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.'
He takes her hand and says, 'Second, I want you to relax.. Let's have a
nice cup of tea, and then ..' he said with a deep sigh, . .. . .. . .. .
'Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.'
A woman went to the emergency room, where
she was seen by a young new doctor. After about 3 minutes in the examination
room, the doctor told her she was pregnant. She burst out of the room and
ran down the corridor screaming.
An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was. After listening
to her story, he calmed her down and sat her in another
room. Then the doctor marched down the hallway to the first doctor's room.
"What in tarnation is wrong with you?" he demanded. "This woman is 68 years
old, she has two grown children and several grandchildren, and you told her
she was pregnant?!!"
The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking
up asked, "Does she still have the hiccups?"
Bill in San Francisco's joke
Little Ralphy returns from school and says
he got an F in arithmetic.
'Why?' asks his father.
'The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'' I said '6', replies Ralphy.
'But that's right!' says his dad.
Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?''
'What's the f'ing difference?' asks the father.
'That's what I said!'
Two old men were greeters at Wal-mart. One
was complaining about all the
pain old age brings...could not stand without pain, could not sit without
pain, could not walk without pain. He asked his associate how he felt in old
age and the other old goat stated he felt just like a newborn baby.
Somewhat amazed, the first gentleman asked how that could be. The second
man stated that he felt like a newborn because he had no teeth, he had no
hair and he thought he has just wet himself.
Two Nuns are riding their bikes down the
back streets of Rome.
One leans over and says to the other..."I've never come this way before."
The other Nun whispers..."It's the cobblestones."
Mark in San Jose's joke
A man goes to the doctor. "Doc," he says,
"every time I sneeze I get an orgasm!"
"My goodness," replies the doctor. "What are you taking for it?"
The man says, "Pepper."
Carla in Santa Rosa's joke
Boy asks his mom "Why am I black and YOU
She says, "Don't even go there.
The way that f'ing party went you're lucky you don't bark!"
Sherry in Newark's joke
A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender
says, "Hey, I haven't
seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."
"What do you mean?" says the pirate. "I feel fine."
Bartender: "What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
Pirate: "Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball,
but I'm fine now."
Bartender: "Well, okay, but what about that hook? What happened to
Pirate: "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a
sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine,
Bartender: "What about that eye patch?"
Pirate: "Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I
looked up and one of them shit in my eye."
"You're kidding," says the bartender. "You lost an eye just from
Pirate: "It was my first day with the hook."
Joanne in Fremont's joke
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather
had just passed away, Katie
went straight to her grandparents' house to visit her 95-year-old
grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied,
he had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.'
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years
old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear", replied granny. 'Many years ago, realizing our
advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the
church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm.
Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply, in on the Ding
and out on the Dong.'
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, 'He'd still be alive if
the ice cream truck hadn't come along.'
Mr. Owens had been retired for a year when
his wife of fifty
years suggested they take a cruise: "We could go somewhere for a
week, and make wild love like we did when we were young!" He
thought it over and agreed.
He put on his hat and went down to the pharmacy, where he bought
a bottle of seasick pills and a box of condoms. Upon returning
home, his wife said "I've been thinking. There is no reason we
can't go for a month." So Mr. Johnson went back to the pharmacy
and asked for twelve bottles of seasick pills and twelve boxes of
condoms. When he returned his wife said, "You know, since the
children are on their own, what's stopping us from cruising the
So back to the pharmacy he went, and brought 297 bottles of
seasick pills and the same amount of condoms up to the counter.
The pharmacist finally had to ask.
"You know, Mr. Owens, you have been doing business with me for
over thirty years. I certainly don't mean to pry, but if it makes
you that sick, why the hell do you do it?"
Tom and Rhodora's joke
I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly
realized I desperately needed to fart.
The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.
After a couple of songs, I started to feel better.
I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me.
Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
Schwartz, Cohen, and Ginsburg were all
close friends since childhood.
They decided they wanted to go into business together.
Schwartz says, "OK! I'll invest $100,000.00."
Cohen says, "I will go in for $200,000.00."
Ginsburg says, "All right, I'll put in $1,000.00"
Cohen says, "If I'm putting in $200,000, I'll be the President and
CEO of the corporation. You, Schwartz, for your $100,000, can be Vice
President and CFO. And, Ginsburg, for your $1,000, you will be our
Puzzled, Ginsburg asks Cohen, "What is a Sexual Adviser?"
Cohen replies, "When we want your fucking advice, we'll ask for it."
An old country preacher had a teenage son,
and it was getting time the
boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young
men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he
didn't seem too concerned about it. One day, while the boy was away at
school, his father decided to try an experiment.
He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects.
1. A Bible.
2. A silver dollar.
3. A bottle of whiskey..
4. And a Playboy magazine.
'I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself.
"When he comes home from school today, I'll see which object he picks
"If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a
blessing that would be!"
"If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that
would be okay, too."
"But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunken
bum, and Lord, what a shame that would be."
"And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he's going to be a
The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's foot-steps as
he entered the house whistling and heading for his room.
The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the
room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye,
he walked over to inspect them.
Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked
up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket. He uncorked the
bottle and took a big drink, while he admired the magazine's
"Lord have mercy," the old preacher disgustedly whispered. "He's gonna
run for Congress."